Depression

There is so much pressure on the individual to conform, be a certain way and live a certain way, is it any wonder that so many people experience depression at some stage during their life? Everyone wants to fit in and be accepted, but what is fitting in exactly? Buying a big house, being thin and beautiful, owning “things” that are perceived to add to who we truly are. Only problem is we are all so different, it is obvious by just looking at one another, yet so many of us try despite this. Then, when you feel like you haven’t achieved these goals or self-doubt creeps in you can find yourself in the deep dark hole of depression.

Anyone who has experienced depression at any level knows how helpless and worthless it makes you feel. That then slowly changes your perception of reality and it isn’t long till you see the negative in everything around you to the point where you alienate yourself until you feel completely alone in your worthless world of self-loathing. Why would anyone like me? I’m worthless, nothing! These negative thoughts slowly consume you to the point where some people can’t take it anymore and feel that the only escape is to end their life. Others get to a point where they have enough of feeling this way and start the steep ascent back up towards the light. It’s not an easy climb and there are a lot of slips and stumbles on the way up, but eventually the light glows brighter and brighter bringing a new, more positive perception of yourself and the world and people around you.

This is how it felt for me as a teenager and into my early twenties. I never reached a point where I thought I could take my own life, but couldn’t imagine how that must feel after experiencing the lows I have faced. It’s hard to understand the feeling if you haven’t been there yourself, and even harder to be compassionate and patient. But I’m hoping shedding a little light on the subject may give someone who is either experiencing some sort of depression or knows someone who is, hope and encourages them to start that climb back to a more positive life.

To be completely honest, I could never put my finger on a single moment or situation that started my depression. I don’t think I even realised I was depressed until I started turning my life around. The little voice in my head was ever present, and not realising at the time that I controlled it, it didn’t control me, I listened to every hurtful, painful thing it would say to me. Sometimes the voice was so loud I couldn’t focus on or think about anything else. This made me feel frustrated, then angry and it would get so unbearable that I would do something that defied common sense. I would use a razor to cut myself. This in turn would make me feel even worse about myself and once my “sane” mind came back and I realised how senseless I had been it would begin the spiral of self-hatred again.

I would wear jumpers in summer to hide the cuts on my arms and one day even passed out on my way home from school because it was so hot. To make things worse someone who I saw as a good friend of mine noticed one day and told our friends I was an attention seeker who pretended to try to kill myself. This just made me recede deeper into my depression and put up a high, thick brick wall to keep everyone out. My internal nightmare wasn’t noticed by people around me in the most part, as I had become very good at pretending to be the happy, go lucky, party girl who just wanted to have fun. After the embarrassment of people finding out about my cutting I did it a lot less but for years after, even up until a few years ago, whenever I got over emotional or angry the urge was there.

I couldn’t tell you what made me start? Where the idea came from? And it’s hard to explain why it was a release for me at the time. It was as though instead of being addicted to alcohol or drugs I had been addicted to cutting myself, as it gave me a feeling of release I wasn’t able to find in a healthier way at the time.

As the years progressed I realised that the answer wasn’t finding some kind of release for my depression and anger, it was finding a way to dissolve those feeling all together. Slowly I realised that the negative world that weighed me down was a story I had made up in my own head. You wonder why you would stay in such a horrible state of mind but just coming to that realisation started my steep climb back out of the dark hole that is depression. Getting to the top doesn’t mean those feelings are completely gone, and it’s easy to fall back into old patterns but being aware of myself and my emotions makes it easier to detect these feelings before they get out of hand and control me instead of me controlling them.

This story is one that I have only told my closest family and friends up until now, and I know actually posting this will be difficult as it is always hard to admit and face that you effectively put yourself through such hard times and did things you wouldn’t rationally do. I still have scars on my arms and legs that serve as a reminder not of how low I had been but that I got the courage to overcome my depression and anger and become a better version of me. That’s why I’m sharing this story; you can’t fully change and grow from things you don’t acknowledge and accept happened. And you can’t be your true self if you are trying to hide parts of your past. If you think a friend is struggling reach out, let them know you are there to talk to. You may think they haven’t listened and it won’t make a difference, but that little positive seed could be enough to awaken some sort of change in their thinking and maybe they won’t feel so alone anymore.